Let me back up, the beginning of the year I wrote down Jan. 1 in my journal that my strongest resolution for this year would be that I did not miss God's perspective within my day. I yearn that thru the mundane tasks, thru interrupted moments with the Lord, thru demands and busyness of my week that I would find the glimpses of grace and that I would be able to discern how to stop - to Selah (pause) and stay in a right spirit with the Lord. The Lord has graciously taught me so much this year thru Psalms 51 and some of its teachings have come from some hard ashes: "create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." This year has brought more grief moments than seem possible to articulate. I have witnessed and experienced so many tears being poured out for the release of loved ones thru tragic force. The stretchings of this life can either draw you deeper into trusting the Lord or pull you farther from hearing His voice. I pray that my stretchings draw me deeper and deeper to trust in Him.
Today, I was reminded of this recurring dream as I read Paul Tripp's words, "Its only in the mirror of Gods Word that you see yourself accurately, and only in his grace that you find help for what you see." Within my 2015 resolution prayer was the yearning to truly be able to love others thru Christ's unconditional steadfastness He gives me. Its natural in myself to love others out of the merits of the ways in which they receive my love and affirm it. If I extend to others to have them distant or unresponsive then I naturally want to shut down and say well what's the point. If i extend to others and there is such an inconsistent connection then naturally I feel unaffirmed in the closeness of that friendship. But, in Christ, I am free from that burden to love others merely in my own efforts. I am beyond grateful that God is pursuing my heart to the depths in this arena and that in His grace I am receiving the sanctifying work in loving others without expecting anything in return. I am a work in progress, but the freedom received in being prompted by the Spirit when to encourage others has broken so many chains for my covetous heart.
In my dream, I am standing before my glorious Father, enthroned in majesty in Heaven, and even now I can feel the emotions of pure awe I felt in that moment. I stood my position ready to hear His voice audibly speak for the first time. Ready to receive, "well done thy good and faithful servant" that I had always been told in those Judgment house halloween church events, but He did not say that. He gently spoke, "my daughter, How did you show my love to those I put in your path?!"
How were you patient and kind? Were you envious and boastful? How were you arrogant and rude? Were you irritable or resentful? Did you rejoice at their wrongdoings? Did you bear all things? Believe all things? Hope all things? endure all things?
I felt my defense and I started rambling off excuses for how this person and that person made it quite difficult to show up in that way. "But Lord, I would call them and there would be no answer. I would visit them and there would be no follow up for connection. There were times their words hurt deeply, it was hard to forgive. There were times they did not show up in my suffering and I felt uncared for. and my defense continued.
Jesus who was sitting beside the Lord as He spoke, stood up and knelt down before me, cupping my face in the palms of his hands. He gently spoke and said, "Trishia, you have watched so many enter my gates this year and you have thought of your home in Heaven more than you can count. I have you on Earth because You are the tangible way that my love is manifested in action to others. Know that I hold you still even as you await your home here with me. I lived my life on Earth so that you would have an example to follow- I died a suffering death so that all the sins you would face would not have to entangle you from seeing me- I arose from death so that you would always be free. Let me be your mirror of Gods Word and let my grace be your voice on loving others. I have placed my Spirit to dwell within you so you can love with patience, with kindness, without envy, without arrogance. Let my grace help you bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things and let me 'create in you a clean heart, as I put a right spirit within you.'
I am sending you back to your journey on earth because I am not finished using your life there. Be affirmed in me, and not in others responses. Be loved in my steadfastness, and not from others inconsistencies. Be content in my purpose thru you, not envious of others paths. I have you in my hands, always, and I have the scars to show you. Now, go and show that to the world around you.
I wake up, fully amazed at the incredible specifics of that visual with the Lord. Encouraged by the pursuit it brings to put a right spirit within me. a heart free of envy, of bitterness, of resentment. Open for the Lord to pour out His love to those He has purposed to speak to thru the journey of my days.
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